Life gets shitty so save your money

life gets shitty

This winter has been the hardest season of my life.

Right before christmas I found something out that broke my heart. In a moment, poof! the snowglobe I was living in broke apart and there I was – flopping like a fish on the ground, everything that used to surround me, gone.

In the weeks since, my world has completely come apart. Then, slowly and awkwardly, started to piece itself back together, feet where ears used to be and arms on backwards – a Salvador Dali painting that faintly resembles my old life.

Salvador Dali

One day I might write about the details, but not today.

For those of you who have gone through something like this – and who hasn’t? – you’ll understand that in moments like this, money doesn’t fucking matter.

You could have told me that my bank accounts were empty, my rental properties burned down, my credit cards maxed out, and I would have said, “That’s okay. What day is it?”

And several times I found myself thinking, if I could just give all my savings, my career, everything I have, to make this pain stop, I would.

The bargains you try to make in the worst moments of your life can be embarrassing to admit.

I learned some hardcore lessons during this experience and at a great cost.

Here they are just in case you find them helpful. I hope when you’re going through your own life-shattering moment, you will remember this and feel a teensy bit of solidarity.

Life gets shitty so save your money

When my life got shitty, money didn’t matter to me. It no longer had any value compared with what I wanted most – my old life back.

But see, that’s a luxury that I have because I’ve spent years saving money: I didn’t have to worry. On the days where I woke up and couldn’t go to work, I thought well, if I get fired, I could still survive for a while without a paycheck. Andrew and I were able to see doctors and therapists without any regard to the cost or being limited to providers within our insurance network.

In my darkest, weakest moments, I didn’t have to go to work, I didn’t have to worry about paying bills, I didn’t have to pick the cheapest therapist or skip therapy altogether. To wake up and feel like I could take a vacation if I needed, I could move houses if I needed, that we had resources to take care of ourselves however we needed – it was priceless.

The lesson here is save money because life gets shitty sometimes. And when it does, money stops mattering or you might find yourself spending a lot of it. Saving your own sanity becomes the only priority and that could require excess funds. Not having to worry about paying rent or cancelling vacations or losing your job is the most significant gift you can give yourself.

Keep your receipts

Grief brought out the shopaholic in me.

In the midst of all this – when I’d stopped eating, turned off my phone, stayed up all night smoking cigarettes on the living room floor – I learned how powerful of a drug shopping is.

In the span of 48 hours, I bought a new jacket with a fur collar, a printer, artisan peanut sauce (WTF?), journals with stupid cliche sayings about being happy, designer shoes, rolls and rolls of Star Wars wrapping paper, every light fixture at Ikea, mascara, a wok (for the peanut sauce, duh), six gallons of grey paint, a christmas tree, winter boots, groupons to (no joke) trap shooting, mini golf and a vodka tour, my first pair of spanx – oh, and a dog.

It made me feel good to buy whimsical, expensive, pretty things. And then it made me sad. The joy I got from shopping soured as the bags piled up in our (tiny) living room and I watched my credit card bill climb up up up up as if it was trying to summit Mount Kilimanjaro in record time.

The lesson? Keep your receipts. The flush of new purchases wears off fast.

(and get a wonderfully kind partner who will return everything for you when you’re too embarrassed to do it yourself – thank you Andrew)

Money will not make you happy

Another sad truth: I have always thought that money would make me happy. I’ve never said it out loud or even written it down (until now) but I secretly thought that if I could stockpile enough money, I would be happy.

I wouldn’t have to work. I wouldn’t have to worry. I’d have enough money for any emergency – apocalypse, zombies, cancer, blackmail, unemployment, infertility. There was no bad luck that I couldn’t buy myself (or my family, friends and neighbors) out of.
This secret belief has driven a big portion of my life – working obsessively through college, living in gross rooms in unsafe neighborhoods to save money, rarely taking vacations, mastering the $1/day food budget, wearing clothes I bought when I was 11, bullying boyfriends to become more frugal, and saying no to a long list of things I really wanted to have / try / do / stop doing.

It makes me sad to remember the things I’ve said no to – bachelorette parties, vacations with friends, exciting classes, a writer’s retreat, a beautiful apartment in downtown Portland with wood floors, happy hours, massages, charity, and so much more. I’ve spent many many years with a big bank account, feeling alone. Working two or three jobs trying to save money even faster, but also because I had empty evenings and weekends to fill. I’ve hidden behind frugality.

It took something terrible happening to see what is now so obvious – money won’t make me happy. It hasn’t yet and I don’t think it’s ever going to. I don’t want to spend my life rich and alone. What is the point of retiring at 30 if I don’t have a community, friends and a partner to spend all that extra time with?

Lesson learned: If the cost of saving money is being alone and/or unhappy, the price is too high.

I advocate spending your money on what you truly value, and vice versa; learning what you truly value by watching how you spend your money.

The results are painfully clear. I’ve spent my life so far valuing financial security over connection and community, and it’s not making me happy. It’s time to change my life.

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  • I am so sorry you’re going through a dark time. I’m just coming out of a nightmare couple of years (and have reached the opposite conclusion: being in a relationship is not worth it if it means financially wrecking my life, I would far rather be alone and financially stable).

    I also totally understand that feeling of it bringing out the inner shopaholic SO much. Do what you need to do.
    NZ Muse recently posted…Link love (the TMI edition)My Profile

    • Ah, YES! Such a great point that financial ruin is never the answer. Do you think we can find a happy balance? financial stability + love? I hope so :)

  • thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and soul. you are absolutely amazing in your strength to share candidly because i relate to a lot of this, especially about recently realizing that it’s okay to spend money on things i value. proud to know you! xo.

    • That means a lot. As I was writing this, I kept thinking about your posts on anxiety as a reminder that writing about scary, vulnerable, personal stuff is hard but so worth it.

  • Sorry to hear, Emma :( I wanna say “At least you gotta blog post out of it!” as we like to joke in our nerdy lives, but damn. Sending you tons of love and thoughts over there, friend. We love you!!

  • Holy crap, this blog post is wonderfully real. I especially love the “If the cost of saving money is being alone and/or unhappy, the price is too high.” because I preach that to my friends not only about money but about work-life balance. I hope that you’re doing okay, and I’m glad you chose to write about it. Looking forward to reading more.
    Alyssa recently posted…My First Big Girl Job Was a Financial NightmareMy Profile

  • I’m sorry for the dark times you are experiencing. I too have had those times, both when I was financially secure and when I was not. As I told a friend, money doesn’t buy happiness but it can make being unhappy a lot more comfortable . Hope it turns around for you soon. I’m remembering the gym membership that I never used but couldn’t return…among other things intended to make me happy. I hope you kept the dog. I have three rescues and it was one of the smartest moves I ever made .

  • My deepest empathies for your difficult times. I think many of us have been sitting on that floor, staring at the broken pieces. And you’re too right. Having money means you can find your way through that dark without materially suffering the way you would if you didn’t have savings.
    Revanche recently posted…Just a little (link) love: owl editionMy Profile

  • Just about the only time I’ll go binge shopping is when I’m in one of those darker times. Happened not so long ago, actually. Thank goodness for receipts, and savings.
    I have the same feelings about my relationship with money, too. I often feel so insecure that I sacrifice even things that would add meaningful value to my life.
    I hope you get to the other side soon, or have already arrived. Things don’t go back to the way they were, but the darkness won’t last forever either. There will be a new type of light!
    FF @ Femme Frugality recently posted…Digital Eyestrain? Block the Blue Light.My Profile

  • Wow, sorry to hear about the hard times. It must be tough to be so personal on your blog.

    I recently read an interesting article…. there was a study that followed people who suffered permanent disabilities in an accident and lottery winners. They found, on average, that one year later, the people in the accidents were happier than the lottery winners. Like you said, money really doesn’t matter in the bigger picture.
    Free Range Nation recently posted…Make a Life, Not Just a LivingMy Profile

  • OK Emma, I’m really curious about this one. I’m a lot like you, in that if it were up to me I’d be living in a trailer home five minutes from the chemical plant I work at, biking to my job and back home, living on Ramen noodles in order to build up my wealth as quickly as humanly possible with the idea that one day, my big net worth will make me happy and then I’ll make friends. Luckily I married my opposite and we balance each other out, saving appropriate amounts of money and spending sometimes wisely and sometimes indulgently on things that bring us closer to people we love. But that balance is not what I’m getting out of this article! You talk about making a change but from the tone of this post it’s not obvious what you mean. Hope to find out as I keep reading.

  • I think you are extremely brave to acknowledge that the path you have been on throughout your life is actually not making you happy, or fulfilling the deeper need for connection and community… it takes courage to admit that the trajectory you were on needs to do a u-turn. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to accept the truth that what they believed and the choices they make are not the right path for them, so I salute you for sharing this with us and admitting to something that must be very painful. as much as we can all look back and regret choices we’ve made, and things we did or didn’t do (I have so many of these!) it’s also exciting to think of all that awaits you now with this new realisation… all of the rich experiences that you will now get to live. That’s wonderful…

    Lots of love x